A $3 sweater and some free time

female detective: tiffany chilcott
reggie: quincy carr
male detective: ed cardin
lieutenant: latoya waiters
and me!

written by yours truly

directed and edited by ali powell

Wok the fok?

This is a business card Blavis* spotted on the Kin’s Wok bulletin board the other night.

It is the shittiest business card I have ever seen in my life.

Let’s deconstruct:

1. "Tap Dancing Terror of Tidewater"

I understand the urge we all have to alliterate at times, but calling yourself the Tap Dancing Terror of Tidewater is not clever. It is the opposite of clever. It is stupid.

I have this immediate image of a deranged man wildly tap dancing down a busy street. He is possessed by the tap demons, drenched in sweat and foaming at the mouth. The sparks from his taps catch things on fire. Small children wail and point at the destruction while animals flee from his erratic path (think Michael Flatley if you substituted the clogging for tapping). Anyway, you would not hire the Tap Dancing Terror to "entertain you." You would sic him upon your worst enemy.

2. "Call this number and leave a message"

Although it’s very thoughtful of him to provide instructions for giving him a ring, only dipshits aren’t going to know what to do when the answering machine or voicemail picks up.

Beeeeeeeeeep

"DEAR GOD, WHAT DO I DO!?! Where’s his card? Where is that damned card? O.K., O.K. Here it is, ’leave a message.’ Eureka! That’s brilliant! Thank you, Tap Dancing Terror. Thank you."

3. HOT INTERWEB MESS

I bet he had to register for a new email account when his wife discovered he reverted back to his ol’ tap dancing ways, that despite the intervention and countless hours of physical therapy, the Tap Dancing Terror was at it again. "David Kennedy Jr. you promised you would stop! Your tapping is destroying our love! The children want their father back!" And so on and so forth.

Annnnd I’m not sure what a "web sight" is but, if the geocities community is on it, I say, "No, sir. No. Thank. You." Maybe web sights can only be accessed on archaic computers akin to the given blue-screened, attached-keyboard clip art… I wonder…

Anyway, I dare someone to give this guy a call. I’ll come over with some Chimay and we can document the whole experience. I’m sure it’ll be good times, or at least it’ll be better than that one time.

*That’s Blavis’ crazy thumbnail. Not mine.

Scatter my ashes at Doumar's

Not only is it an area classic,


but the wet nuts are a STEAL!


and where else can you eat an eternal masterpiece?

Sure the claim that they "invented" the waffle cone is debatable. But the fact that Albert Doumar still makes those joints by hand everyday on the old ass, cast iron waffle cone maker is not. It's HARD CORE.

They also have wood-paneled soda dispensers. Faux wood is so hot right now.

Seoul searching

I'm back in America.

After a spending a day in transit sleeping upright, scuttling through customs like cattle, nervously waiting beside conveyor belts, unpacking (but not doing) dirty laundry, checking (but not responding) to texts, emails and voicemails, I decided to use this time of quiet reflection or jet-lagged boredom to share some snaps from my time in Seoul.

I have no idea what this ad is selling



They'll woori about your money for you



LCD screens were integral during the Korean War*



Geographically impossible... until now




You learn something new everyday




Take the physical challenge. Say this five times fast.



Ebonics knows no borders



Even sushi be ridin' dirty



Where Paul Oakenfold is your spinning instructor



Not into e? You can workout at

Membership fees: ten percent of your income and weekly offerings of guilt


Minor details, minor details



Sadly, there were no collard greens



But perhaps I interest you in some sauted larvae?

Hakuna matata!


And the award for best description goes to




*photo was not taken in Seoul but at the Demilitarized Zone or DMZ, thirty miles north of the city. Close enough right?

It's a sign

I've been in Korea for a week now and this is what I've inferred thus far:
The folks are gorgeous.
The food is great.
The signs are funny. To me.

Sign without a cause


No caption needed


Don't mind if I do


Wal-Mart ain't got nothin' on them


A chicken in every pot. A grill in every mouth. A ho in every garden.


How 'bout them apples?


Just like home!

Not.

Who doesn't love a good love gown?

Losers that's who.

Options, The importance of

The following were taken from the same airport bathroom in Tokyo:

The Deluxe


complete with control panel


The Standard


and finally,

The Hole-in-the-Ground

Worst cardboard cutout EVER (?)

This was spotted last weekend in a storefront window on Boush Street on the way home from a hot night of Interpol and bars. Regretfully, I cannot remember the name of the business or what the fuck it sold but I do remember thinking, "hey, this is funny." And despite our slightly altered mental state we knew, dear friends, that this uber-conspicuous display of camel-toe action was worthy of documentation.

Star Trek:


The Tacky Generation

I love Asian food markets

I love Asian food markets.

They're cheap, somewhat sketchy and always an adventure. Screw Kroger. Tell me, where else can you get Koalas March and congealed pig blood?

I went with some peeps on a much-anticipated Asian food market run to Fortune Supermarket off Holland Road. It was chock-full of exotic goods and, lucky for you, I had my camera.

God bless the Asian food market.

Today I learned two things:
1. In addition to mock chicken, tofurkey and garden burgers, human herbivores can also eat vegitarian ham.
2. Their ham can come in "chicken taste."





Not only is Mr. Squid "crispy and fun," he is also upside down.





"Italian Style" spaghetti sauce now comes in convenient tear away pouches.





Hey cracker, it's party time! Health and delicious party time!





Next stop, Flavor Station.





The best pancit palabok,





comes from a White King?





And don't forget to pick up some--





Not as good as fresh rape leaves, but I guess they'll do.

I saw a water moccasin

Scoping some sweet nature.

When I saw it zigg-zagging in the water, I hit it with my oar, hauled it into the kayak with my bare hands and made teriyaki moccasin jerky when I came home. Not really, but we can pretend. Simply spotting a water moccasin and pointing before paddling away quickly just seemed like a lame anecdotal hook. Prior to that, my closest encounter to a wild beast with the power to destroy me was spotting Kelly Ripa on Bourbon Street. She may look warm and unthreatening but one snarky joke about her kids and Ripa will douse you in Everclear and set you on fire with a Virginia Slim. She's crazytown.

Anyway, I highly recommend kayaking in the Back Bay to anyone who wants to sneak some fitness while dabbling in nature. I went this past weekend with friends and it was fantastic. Surf and Adventure in Sandbridge offers half-day rentals at reasonable rates, $25 for a two-seater and $23 for a single. It's open all week from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m., which works out great because unless you're hardcore, you probably won't want to sit in a kayak for an entire day. You'll want to pee or eat a sandwich at some point and neither are easy to do in a kayak.

Although none of the Surf and Adventure employees look like they've graduated from high school, they are friendly and have their shit together, thus making the rental process surprisingly quick. Sign some papers, nod your head through a brief kayak pep talk then hit the water. Paddling along the Back Bay, where there's practically zero current, is leisurely enough to hold a conversation but engaging enough to "get in the zone." You don't need previous kayaking experience and you don't need to get on anabolic steroids beforehand. The trail is simple to follow and the likelyhood of tipping over in such calm waters is directly correlated to the idiocy of the kayaker. Trust me, it's good times.

Things we learned from trial and mostly error:
Bring water. But in case you're a dumbass and forget, Surf and Adventure sells bottled water for a dollar.

Go early. Beat the heat and the hordes of homies who are going that day. We set off in morning and by the time we returned around 12:30 p.m. a line of copy cats had already assembled by the little dock.

Unless you want a farmer's tan on your thighs, take your shorts off. This mostly applies to the ladies with swimsuits underneath their shorts. This does not apply to pervs going commando.

Eat something light beforehand. Gnawing hunger distracts from the experience and unfortunately kayaks, oars and lifevests are not edible.


Nature - 1
Sheila and Melissa - 0
We'll get you Nature! Mark my words!

A thought:

I propose that I, you, we march over to the local PetsMart, purchase a shitload of finches with a week's worth of wages then set them free.

Sure, they probably won't be able to fend off wild predators or effectively forage for food, BUT at least they'll be able to fly three consecutive feet and observe their environs without annoying metal bars breaking up the scenery. Death via being devoured by a bigger animal or "fuckin' wingin' it" is a google times hotter than passing out on last week's paper or eating one sunflower seed too many.

Besides, if the finches die within a day or two of their release because they can't find an upside down water bottle in nature we can just chalk it up to Darwinism and tell ourselves we had the misfortune of purchasing only the stupid finches.

ACTION JEANS!

I never knew pure elation could come in the form of denim.

COMMITTENT

Is a drag queen with implants.
You go, girl.

Put that on an inspirational poster and frame it.


Brandi Mizrahi @ Godfrey's

This is how we roll

Hey, look what I found as I was organizing my pics!


Note the balloon headband.

Only in Manila.