i've jumped ship

melissacabral.tumblr.com/

My thoughts on "magic berries"

They work.

Mom loves to send chain e-mails

An actual text message conversation I had this morning:

757-560-XXXX: Hey big head this lena

Me: Sorry I think you may have the wrong number

757-560-XXXX: Oh ok my bad

In case you were wondering, this has nothing to do with anything. 

But why should everything have to do with something? 

All I know is, the woman who just passed smells like smoke, it is 95 degrees outside and there is a small Gala apple in my lunch bag I don't want to eat right now. 

What of it?

She be quillin'

Sometimes, people make shit for the purpose of making shit.   

Holla Hope Jordan! 

Props for doing something that wasn't "assigned."

Get the picture?

 

"NO TIT TOUCHING"

Sign located at Arthur's Tavern in the city. 

I swear it's real. And classy as hell.

Good things comin'

A $3 sweater and some free time

female detective: tiffany chilcott
reggie: quincy carr
male detective: ed cardin
lieutenant: latoya waiters
and me!

written by yours truly

directed and edited by ali powell

Wok the fok?

This is a business card Blavis* spotted on the Kin’s Wok bulletin board the other night.

It is the shittiest business card I have ever seen in my life.

Let’s deconstruct:

1. "Tap Dancing Terror of Tidewater"

I understand the urge we all have to alliterate at times, but calling yourself the Tap Dancing Terror of Tidewater is not clever. It is the opposite of clever. It is stupid.

I have this immediate image of a deranged man wildly tap dancing down a busy street. He is possessed by the tap demons, drenched in sweat and foaming at the mouth. The sparks from his taps catch things on fire. Small children wail and point at the destruction while animals flee from his erratic path (think Michael Flatley if you substituted the clogging for tapping). Anyway, you would not hire the Tap Dancing Terror to "entertain you." You would sic him upon your worst enemy.

2. "Call this number and leave a message"

Although it’s very thoughtful of him to provide instructions for giving him a ring, only dipshits aren’t going to know what to do when the answering machine or voicemail picks up.

Beeeeeeeeeep

"DEAR GOD, WHAT DO I DO!?! Where’s his card? Where is that damned card? O.K., O.K. Here it is, ’leave a message.’ Eureka! That’s brilliant! Thank you, Tap Dancing Terror. Thank you."

3. HOT INTERWEB MESS

I bet he had to register for a new email account when his wife discovered he reverted back to his ol’ tap dancing ways, that despite the intervention and countless hours of physical therapy, the Tap Dancing Terror was at it again. "David Kennedy Jr. you promised you would stop! Your tapping is destroying our love! The children want their father back!" And so on and so forth.

Annnnd I’m not sure what a "web sight" is but, if the geocities community is on it, I say, "No, sir. No. Thank. You." Maybe web sights can only be accessed on archaic computers akin to the given blue-screened, attached-keyboard clip art… I wonder…

Anyway, I dare someone to give this guy a call. I’ll come over with some Chimay and we can document the whole experience. I’m sure it’ll be good times, or at least it’ll be better than that one time.

*That’s Blavis’ crazy thumbnail. Not mine.

Scatter my ashes at Doumar's

Not only is it an area classic,


but the wet nuts are a STEAL!


and where else can you eat an eternal masterpiece?

Sure the claim that they "invented" the waffle cone is debatable. But the fact that Albert Doumar still makes those joints by hand everyday on the old ass, cast iron waffle cone maker is not. It's HARD CORE.

They also have wood-paneled soda dispensers. Faux wood is so hot right now.